Love laughs Last

The red light on my phone flashed again. It was just a few hours after shabbos and I already got 13 emails and 22 text messages wishing me Mazel tov. Everyone was soooo happy for me and they would love to talk to me when I have a minute, no pressure.

My baby was 6 hours old. He was a blond that looked gingy in the light, weighed a lot less than expected, and was serious about his job as a newborn and life in general. That means he cried a lot.

And so did I. It was a difficult birth. I had a C-section averted last minute and an epdiural that wore off, not to mention  swelling and complications. Nursing got off to a bad start, with cuts and bruises to bear witness.

The unwanted thought kept repeating itself, at first timidly but gaining more confidence. "Everyone is so happy. I have a beautiful,healthy baby boy, thank God. I'm also happy. But I am in pain! Every part of my body is screaming for attention with an itch,ache,or deficit of some sort ( think sleep). "

Before I knew it, the mantra got shortened to "Everyone is happy, and I am in pain. Everyone is happy, and I am in pain."

And to my horror, it somehow got twisted to " What's there to be happy about? I AM IN PAIN!!!"

I knew I had to reach out. Through the fog I managed to send an email, propelled by my inner disequilibrium.

I received a short reply. "Don't worry. The pain goes away and the baby stays. "

I reread it like ten times. There's something about black on white, even on a little screen at 3 in the morning, that can penetrate a distorted perspective. That can give hope and soothe when times are rough. I went to sleep for the night.

I starred the email the next morning, but I didn't look at it for five months. I didn't need to. My brain waves were rewired, and I found myself able to self-soothe."This too shall pass. It's worth it"

My pain tolerance isn't high, but it sure has short-term memory. How else can I look at my birth and swell with gratitude at having a natural birth? How else can I recommend,and even encourage, a fellow mother to nurse her little one?How can I pray once again for another healthy child?

There's something more powerful than pain. Its love. Only love doesn't diminish with time, but grows layer after layer, adding many rings to a solid,proud tree. The pain has evaporated, and my baby's here beside me, as real as love itself.

Can you accept when there's no more lollies?

Someone introduced my son to lollies. My toddler has now entered sweet-tooth territory, never to return to the land of grapes-are-a-treat.What does this mean for me? More tantrums, for starters. Only now they've upgraded from code orange to code red.

At 6 am I enter his room, sweeping him up into my arms, expecting my usual good morning kiss. Instead he leans against me endearingly, and whispers ever so quietly " want lolly"

"Naftoli its morning. Time for breakfast. Mommy has no lollies."

He doesn't skip a beat. " safta ah lolly" he waddles over to the cordless phone and hands it to me, essentially demanding that I call safta for ah-lolly.

I try a different tactic. " naftoli, mommys gonna make you yummy yummy eggies !"Phew, I've bargained for five more minutes. He sits in his highchair and enthusiastically consumes yummy-yummy eggies. That was easy.

And then he starts again. " mommy want looooooooooolly! Lolly! Lolllllly!" His pitch is increasing in crescendo ( whatever that means) and his desparation is pitiful.

He slams down onto the floor, maybe the floor can grow some lollies? He refuses to be pragmatic, and stubbornly repeats the chorus " la-lee. La-leeeee"

Is he worried he will never get a lolly? Does he feel he literally can't breathe without one? How does it happen that if he doesn't get what he wants all the alarms go ringing simultaneously, causing chaos and stress levels to climb with his decibel level?!

I never act like naftoli. I act like an adult. I see how silly it is to tantrum over something trivial, and how silly it is not to accept the reality of no lollies. I always take it in stride when things don't go my way, and when my carefully laid plans go astray. In fact, I am so level headed that when I am disappointed, I say " god, you know what is best for me and you see the big picture. You know that for whatever reason, I don't need x,y,or z right now" I never cast blame, or expect those around me to produce what they cannot.

Or do I ??????

That's what they mean when they talk about parenting the child within....

Op-ed

I was sitting at the pool with my two little ones, excited to finally dress them in their almost-matching Old-Navy bathing suits( why don't the infant and toddler collections ever match?). My toddler was going to go down the two steps into the baby pool, and splash around with shrieks and giggles. My baby was going to smile picture-perfect and get a beautiful suntan. And i was going to put a check on my checklist that i was finally on vacation. 

I turned around to give one smile at the world before the first big splash, when another mother caught my eye. She seemed to be returning my smile, but wait, why was she standing up and coming over to me.. leaning against the gate in a most condescending manner?

"Sarah, it is VERY hot outside. I still cant forget how i burned my baby's head last summer, and shes not as fair-skinned as your kiddos. It would be appropriate to put a hat on them in this weather. " And just in case i skipped kindergarten, she picked up a hat to demonstrate. 


I know my customers. " Thank you so much !" I gushed in my most " what would i have done without you ?" voice. " Kids stay put and dont move one inch, i am running to get you my five-years-old-and covered-in-dust black bathing caps!!!" well, not exactly. But i did return to my bungalow and get two head coverings because, hey, that is what isappropriate.And my whole body felt the laser beams of all the other mothers approving looks at my receding back...

This got me thinking. Its so interesting what is considered socially acceptable. Try to change the details of the scene. Or reverse it. Imagine i was going over to her and saying , very sweetly, " I know it is hot, still, it is appropriate to wear socks or cover your hair at the pool"  I would be ostracized! I mean," it is absolutely none of your business what someone else is wearing and it because of people like you that the system is failing !!!" And of course "dont judge!!!" 

No one would accuse me of sincerity.No one would accuse me of caring. And whether i have a valid point or not isnt even the issue, its that "how dare i meddle into someone else's life?"

The question is why? Why do our oversensitive antennae shoot up at the mention of something spiritual?

To use an analogy. If someone had ten loaves of bread and he happened to chance by a group of starving children, would he hesitate before offering it? Would YOU hesitate? Not at all. Because the piece of bread is REAL to us ! Physical nourishment is touchable. 

That's how i understand the people that offer travelers to put on Tefilin in an airport. They're not doing something strange. They're not even breaking themselves to do it. The secret is that to such individuals, spiritual nourishment is as REAL as physical. Therefor how can you NOT offer it ??

I think its time we realize that physical protection from the suns rays is essential, as a reflection and partnership with our spiritual health.